Intentional Indecision

Energize & Restore

Quiet mind

Winter. 

I came crashing down from the fast paced, light hearted summer months, filtered through the physical, simple and oh-so-satisfying work that comes with harvest time and landed in a cold and lonely pile at the foot of my proverbial bed. Slowed to a near stop, sleep schedule altered, sleeping til noon becomes the norm. With no major projects to focus on, I have a lot of time to think. In self-imposed isolation, so much space for the mind to wander through. How to digest all these thoughts, this reflection off asphalt that makes me question with every ounce of my being, where are we headed? and what role do I play in getting us there? Questioning my sanity and the sanity of those around me, I wonder why more people aren't completely flipping out, unable to withstand this industrial culture we are a part of. I get lost in the mess of my mind, searching for meaning in the mundane and finding none. This is not unfamiliar territory to me. I recognize this cycle, this longing for some greater purpose, for satisfaction and fulfillment. Although I've covered this ground many times before, it doesn't make the despair any less painful.  I couldn't move, I hid under the covers, I cried, I certainly didn't answer the phone. I bottomed out in a deep flu, staid in bed for four miserable days of headaches and intense pain in my hips.

Fortunately, I recovered enough to attend a ceremony with a group of sisters that brought about some much needed revelations. I realized that I am covered in a mountain of grief and despair over what is happening in our world and the weight of it has caused complete paralysis. I released as much of this grief as I could, acknowledging that there is much I can't let go of yet. I activated my strength and courage to break free of this paralysis so that I'm able to focus on the real work that must be done. It's important to me to acknowledge the despair and not just turn away from it. I won't pretend everything is rose colored, it doesn't serve me or anyone else to ignore this grief because it is not irrational rather its based in realistic evidence.

Determined to break out of the funk but still not ready to make any major decisions, I decided to begin a regular practice of yoga. Not just any yoga, Bikram yoga. This is my first experience with Bikram yoga and it is intense. Each class is 90 minutes long and it takes place in a room that is heated to 105 F. You do 2 sets of 26 postures that are supposed to work all the major systems within the body, compressing internal organs and lymph nodes. Its very challenging to make it through the entire class, but incredibly satisfying when you do. I've been experiencing some crazy detox symptoms such as headaches, a lot of activity in my gut, and emotional releases very similar to reactions I've had from seasonal cleanses. Finishing a class I feel like I've accomplished something. At a time when I'm feeling very ungrounded, it helps me to shift the focus from my ever reeling mind, to my body. When I finished my class yesterday, I bowed down in gratitude to my determination and to Mother Earth. I'm doing this for you, I remember thinking. The efforts of my practice are an offering to her, to counter just some of the injustice committed against her everyday. If I am a warrior, I need a strong physical body to match a strong mind. I need a healthy and fit base to carry out this work, whatever it may be. After one week of yoga I am feeling more centered and motivated. My muscles are so sore and I'm still dealing with some weird side effects of such intense exercise but I keep going to class. 

I could have chosen anything to focus on but I happened to chose yoga; the magic doesn't come from the act itself, but from the act of simply doing. My mind feels more relaxed, I have moments of anxiety still but I move through them. I'm using this time of intentional indecision to sort out what it is I really want and need before I leap right into the next thing. 

Oak Stark and Contrast

stark

conrast

longing

mystery

without your leaves

i see your bones

stark and contrast

against a grey

and foggy sky

the space between

illuminates your depth,

reveals your true shape

etched in branching patterns

charcoal in my mind,

as it reels

memories of a season turned

of love relinquished

life on the tail

of a headwind

in all four directions at once.

restless

winter charmed

explosive emotion

played out in heavy rain

up on the hill

so proud and loud

walked in circles

unraveling layers

complexities of youth

of age

of truth

light returns

your leaves return

i return

to the mystery

dormant, abrupt

longing.

Digging For Fire

Inspired by a Pixies song on the drive home from Mojave, circa 2005-ish...

The first two pictures below are actually from a party at "the ranch" in LA. but, holy crap, just look at them! I was oscillating between realms and Catalyx actually managed to capture that on film. Everytime I see these I am speechless!

Now you see me...

Now you don't!

Heart shaped XLR8R

Across desert expanse

and cloudy eyes -

kaleidoscope moon,

pull me down.

Third eye vision tears through darkness

clarity consumed

She whispers to me

lonely secrets of tonite.

Spiral in and spiral out,

pull me down with you.

Momentary focus

a glimpse of center

of Self.

Who am I these days?

I'm digging for Fire.

Through smoke

and cold reflections -

restless flame

pull me in.

Tentacles of fire

escape a pixilated center

rise into skulls

dance into bones

purple hues swallow my eyes,

pull me in with you.

An obscure observation

shrinking and ferocious

awestruck.

How did I get so lost?

I'm digging for Fire.

Above warm earth

under jagged sky -

volatile cloud

pull me up.

Streams of light

captured in an azure haze

morphing bodies, fractals, bodies…

Soaring through a whimsical sky

wrapped in your confused embrace

pull me up with you.

The pain of a gasping sob

what is lost can be found again.

Humbled.

How will I find myself?

I'm digging for Fire.

Between earthly realm

and unknown -

shifting Timespell

pull me through.

Release me from this trap

the incredible burden of Time,

pattern and expectation.

Destroy this imagined structure

invoke my passion and delight

pull me through you.

Unsure but steadfast,

doubting yet determined,

a cycle begins as another fades.

Who can I become this time?

I'm digging for Fire.

Passion Wants To (Unbury the Bones)

Mercury in retrograde, a great time for revisiting and re-evaluating. In this case, editing. I am working on a very special collaboration with my mom and I'm going through a lot of old pieces. Thought I would repost a few favorites....

wants to

Skeleton Woman emerges

13 Grandmothers

Bones are buried in the earth,

but the house is on fire

and children run screaming into the void.

The flimsy handle of a plastic spoon

can't dig you out of this enigma,

threshold dripping like an overripe fruit.

Chaos surfing the waves of a thousand ancient tomorrows,

eyes propped open with toothpick stability,

no requiem for this mad, insidious night.

The whisper of my heart comes roaring

out of ripped open throat chakra,

amplified by moldavite mysteries.

Passivity feeds Desire,

Desire fuels Passion,

Passion wants to dance wildly,

ecstatically chanting its own name

in a field of bemused sunflowers.

Passion wants to strip naked,

licking the flame of its own existence

humming a slowed down version of its favorite song.

Passion wants to lock eyes

at the star crushing point of orgasm

and purrrrrrrr in blissful abandon.

The corners of the universe bow down

marking the pages

of places

people

lost teeth

wrong turns

first kisses

bellyaches

that weave the intricate fabric of our being -

simple reminders of our all consuming smallness.

Swirling inside our triple spheres

playful interactions,

engaging distractions,

divine invitations to tea.

The cells of this body cannot sustain the old and weary.

Skeleton Woman scrambles to find shelter

inside of changing skin.

Held fast by the raging ebb and flow of infinite curiosity,

of the epic journey of a single breath,

as it flows in and out of consciousness.

Soul scream breaks free from weathered lips,

doubt disintegrates in the emptiness of the moon,

sung down by a circle of weird sisters.

This fear lodged within every inch of our captive bodies

heating our blood to the point of boiling,

fights its way to compassionate ears.

The wisdom of 222 grandmothers

muffled and lost behind double paned windows

and triple locked doors.

rhuummm arrtttaaaateee naaanohaaaai

Open the fucking door!!!

Soft Sunbeam of the Morning

through the sparkling trees

crisp fall morning

yes, in my head it looked like this

spun around, you found me

and together we danced

drummed up a sweet Earth rhythm -

dirty rich like top soil

funny like a worm farm

feet caressed by her overflowing love

massaged by an ever growing beauty

caught in a tidal sway

and in the soft sunbeam of the morning

i fly gently away.

Curious fingers follow

shifting light rays

i reach for you, you disappear

shining on my belly

so radiant, round and smooth

i find you again

smile in delight,

oh how you tease!

then with eyes almost closed

i slip into my own rhythm

slide my hips to the left and back

pulling with me last night’s dream

starry colors of yesterday

smear into dawn

filter through you

and with a shudder a thousand echos deep

patterns escape my heartbeat

emanate into the atmosphere.

Your warmth jumps gingerly

across my closed lids

i spin around in wonder

feeling loose in my skin

so free in my heart.

Eyes blinking open

i slide away on purpose

so i may know your shadow better

flitter about in darkness

bask in the contrast

peer over the edge

too cold in your absence

humbly i seek your radiance

wrap myself in intoxicating secrets

uplifted by the promise you hold

a-muse myself again and again

thumpity thump thump

so in love with this game

fearless for a simple moment

remembering how to play

in the soft sunbeam of the morning

i fly gently away.

Faster than the Wind

sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet sunflower

Faja de Santo Cristo, Sao Jorge

Adoro Alentejo

What will you wish for?

i can't fly faster than the wind -

blow a kiss to sweet Atlantic

dive into cool Pacific

trust the turn of seasons

newly yellow leaves

reflect my dream's desire.

Landed in a gentle frenzy,

blurry memories

whispers of emotions

threads of connection,

in the wild open west

subtleties rise to the surface

as fragmented shapes and colors.

Followed the sun backward

round blessed mother earth

tears glistening in the vapor trail.

Carried along on a gentle breeze

my heart is on fire

my home within

and my path ever winding...

The Gift of Fire

Fire Ecology Mural

Before and After

"The ecological benefits of fire include: habitat improvement, fuels reduction, species regeneration, increased nutrient cycling, and reduction of wildfire hazard. In addition, fire can create a mosaic of burned and unburned areas, resulting in natural breaks and diversity in the landscape that reduce the potential for large scale catastrophic wildfires.

Fire reduces accumulation of vegetation that can inhibit plant growth. By suppressing all wildfires, fuels begin to accumulate to unnatural levels setting the stage for future fires that are larger, more intense, and more dangerous to fight.

Many plants and animals depend on fire for survival. Periodic fire stimulates growth, plant reproduction and provides critical wildlife habitat.

In summary, natural fire is a vital process to maintain the diversity of habitats available to all species in the ecosystem."

To be here, in this body, on this Earth, at THIS moment - such an intensely beautiful gift. I feel a great mystery unfolding, simultaneously within my own mind and body and within the collective consciousness of all beings.

Since the time of the industrial revolution humanity has been driven primarily by economic motives. In our creation of this "advanced" industrial, technological society we have set off on a destructive path that is killing not only our Earth but ourselves. We slowly poison ourselves with toxic food and we endlessly consume, consume, consume - dumping our unwanted byproducts into water supplies and burying them in hopes this toxic waste will simply disappear. We watch our precious oil spill gallons upon gallons into the ocean, devastating life there for decades, altering it perhaps forever. We are held captive by an economic system that does not account for the true COST of our exploits. We've long strayed from the heart path, if we have ever found it in the first place.

I won't take it upon myself to explain the severity of our global environmental and social crisis - there are people who dedicate their lives to making this information available. Instead, I'm more interested in personal reactions to this crisis. My rational mind is giving way to my emotional body. I feel like I've shed more tears in these last months than I have in a lifetime. Selfless tears that ache and moan for mama Earth. Tears that escape my heart and fall violently from my eyes, heavy with the weight of empathy for our present condition.

But these tears do not fall idly into a bottomless pit, they drop from my eyes, forget they are tears and flow slowly, slowly to join the sea; carrying with them my fears and desperate prayers. This raw emotion becomes a catalyst, kindling for the fire beginning to burn deep within. I feel more awake than ever, for all the positive and negatives of eyes propped wide open. Its not a fluffy, bright awake where everything shines with unexplainable beauty. More like a wide ray of clarity that is spreading across my vision, giving me the gift of insight. Some information I receive with great joy and with some I feel the blood pumping through my veins and my inner ear begin to burn and vibrate.

Inside I'm screaming. Enough! Enough! Enough! We've gone on like this for too long. Somewhere deep inside of me i imagine another way of life. A way of harmony and balance. But also I know that the road leading there is treacherous. I don't imagine its paved with rainbows and dotted with butterflies, but rather that it will be a path of destruction that will tear through humanity, ultimately breaking us down farther and farther until only our core remains. This materialistic world will burn before our very eyes. It might feel like our own flesh is on fire, like we ourselves are burning up. The flames will burn down this grand illusion and maybe then will we realize the falsehood of our beloved economy and the true value of life. In nature, fire regenerates as it burns. It clears away the debris and makes way for new life.

May wild fires sweep grandly and rapidly across our consciousness clearing away the constraining thought process of dominant culture, stimulating our growth and creating space for diversity and ingenuity of thought.