Energize & Restore
Quiet mind
I came crashing down from the fast paced, light hearted summer months, filtered through the physical, simple and oh-so-satisfying work that comes with harvest time and landed in a cold and lonely pile at the foot of my proverbial bed. Slowed to a near stop, sleep schedule altered, sleeping til noon becomes the norm. With no major projects to focus on, I have a lot of time to think. In self-imposed isolation, so much space for the mind to wander through. How to digest all these thoughts, this reflection off asphalt that makes me question with every ounce of my being, where are we headed? and what role do I play in getting us there? Questioning my sanity and the sanity of those around me, I wonder why more people aren't completely flipping out, unable to withstand this industrial culture we are a part of. I get lost in the mess of my mind, searching for meaning in the mundane and finding none. This is not unfamiliar territory to me. I recognize this cycle, this longing for some greater purpose, for satisfaction and fulfillment. Although I've covered this ground many times before, it doesn't make the despair any less painful. I couldn't move, I hid under the covers, I cried, I certainly didn't answer the phone. I bottomed out in a deep flu, staid in bed for four miserable days of headaches and intense pain in my hips.
Fortunately, I recovered enough to attend a ceremony with a group of sisters that brought about some much needed revelations. I realized that I am covered in a mountain of grief and despair over what is happening in our world and the weight of it has caused complete paralysis. I released as much of this grief as I could, acknowledging that there is much I can't let go of yet. I activated my strength and courage to break free of this paralysis so that I'm able to focus on the real work that must be done. It's important to me to acknowledge the despair and not just turn away from it. I won't pretend everything is rose colored, it doesn't serve me or anyone else to ignore this grief because it is not irrational rather its based in realistic evidence.
Determined to break out of the funk but still not ready to make any major decisions, I decided to begin a regular practice of yoga. Not just any yoga, Bikram yoga. This is my first experience with Bikram yoga and it is intense. Each class is 90 minutes long and it takes place in a room that is heated to 105 F. You do 2 sets of 26 postures that are supposed to work all the major systems within the body, compressing internal organs and lymph nodes. Its very challenging to make it through the entire class, but incredibly satisfying when you do. I've been experiencing some crazy detox symptoms such as headaches, a lot of activity in my gut, and emotional releases very similar to reactions I've had from seasonal cleanses. Finishing a class I feel like I've accomplished something. At a time when I'm feeling very ungrounded, it helps me to shift the focus from my ever reeling mind, to my body. When I finished my class yesterday, I bowed down in gratitude to my determination and to Mother Earth. I'm doing this for you, I remember thinking. The efforts of my practice are an offering to her, to counter just some of the injustice committed against her everyday. If I am a warrior, I need a strong physical body to match a strong mind. I need a healthy and fit base to carry out this work, whatever it may be. After one week of yoga I am feeling more centered and motivated. My muscles are so sore and I'm still dealing with some weird side effects of such intense exercise but I keep going to class.
I could have chosen anything to focus on but I happened to chose yoga; the magic doesn't come from the act itself, but from the act of simply doing. My mind feels more relaxed, I have moments of anxiety still but I move through them. I'm using this time of intentional indecision to sort out what it is I really want and need before I leap right into the next thing.
