Grounded

When i'm in the city i am running from one thing to the next, granted they are usually good things i'm running to and from, but its exhausting none the less and i find myself with little energy and time to simply be. As soon as i am out of the city for a few days, i feel my pace slow, and along with it the thoughts ceaselessly racing around my head slow, and i am left with a steady stream of thoughts, ideas, and feelings that i actually have time to process and digest. My body quickly forgets the madness of the city and synchs up with the natural rhythms of the earth. I admire the moon's luminosity every nite before bed. I sleep deeply and dream in vivid colors. Waking with the warm and soft light of morning sun, my day starts not in a panic, but with gentle motions, waking up in due time as the day ripens. Eating breakfast in the garden, sipping tea and getting lost in the beauty of the nature surrounding me, i reflect on the events of the past year.
Even before setting out on an epic year long journey, there was a loud craving from within for the comforts of family, home and health. My soul struggling to keep up as i carried my bags from place to place, as my physical self was propelled through the sky in giant gravity defying machines. In places for mere moments, little time to absorb their depth and complex beauty. Traveling through time and space, open eye visions of beauty and destruction. Whirlwinds of people and influences, sense alive and overloaded with new smells and tastes. My heart stretching in painfully pleasurable new directions, expanding with labored breath. And all the while i perceived myself drifting farther and farther away from my vision of home, family and health.
Breathing in the fresh mountain air, digesting a fulfilling communal meal cooked with love and just the right amount of spice, i realize more than ever that these things i've craved so deeply were with me all along. I think the the varies families i've shared meals with over the last year, the relationships that have blossomed through the challenges we faced together. I think of countless conversations over dinner tables, each revealing intimate wisdom. I think of the recipes, the folk remedies and advice that I've shared and received with so many friends from around the world as we helped each other take care of our own precious bodies, through sickness and health. And home, the age old expression decrees, truly is where the heart is.
I let go of my physical attachment to home even as i begin to manifest the newest chapter in my life. I'm learning the ever elusive art of patience as I start the process of leaving San Francisco, my "home" for the last 5 years. It's been so good to me, and i have to remember that when i close my eyes the city still stands. I can come back to it at any time, the thrill of city life is always available to me. I'm working on rebuilding connections with my birth family. Exploring an adult relationship with my mother, and happy at the thought of being closer to her and being able to spend more time with her. Going to visit my father very soon, after a long time of not seeing him. Hoping to reconnect with him and get things flowing more smoothly in our communication and interaction. And preparing the ground to plant a garden in the spring, a profound and long standing metaphor within my consciousness of beginning a new phase of my life.
blessings of family, home, health and love to everyone on this gorgeous day.

Twist of Faith

Joshua & I, July 2007, Portugal

Once upon a time,
we met in a magical realm
nestled in between the fabric of worlds,
we looked into the eyes of truth,
inspired and activated mirrors,
with hands gently exploring
a depth that had long since seen light.
Casting off our clothes, our skin, our doubts
we leapt into an undulating universo parallelo
tracing the thread of our connection,
fragile as a spider's web,
through illusory echoes of time and space,
memories of a dreamy you and a dreamy me,
intertwined in ecstatic embrace.
We drew vivid pictures, alive and screaming
with the elaborate alphabet of our love,
licking our own wounds
with the healing saliva of promise,
of faith, hope, and fairy tale.
we believed in love,
and in our hearts
we sacrificed everything
to taste that truth once more.
and now,
the fears, the doubts we chose to ignore
fill the awkward space between us,
out of the depths of our hearts,
into a shallow, murky space
of frustration and disappointment,
hoards of moscas hovering above
the death of our dream.
By no fault of our own,
this love is not enough for us,
our dream has not the strength to carry
the weight of our now heavy hearts,
nor the burden of our past.
Bound by circumstance,
without a thread to follow,
how we will escape this cruel twist of faith?

Swirling Change

Spiral water fountain, Boom 2008

Graffiti by HighRaff & Ram, Boom 2008

Sacred Fire altar, Boom 2008

Can you feel the beating pulse of change as the minute particles in your body die and are reborn in a constant evolutionary swirl? Been walking down some strange and lonely roads in recent months, with the hot sun on my neck, carrying jugs of water to quel the primal thirst building deep inside of me. Sweltering under layers of emotions, that do indeed, suffocate. All the water is rushing down the drain at the same time and there's something blocking its way - a piece of food, some hair caught in the pipe perhaps. I've surfed the whole spectrum of emotion along an unexpected rainbow arc, peeking out of a bold horizon. The secrets whispered to me in moments of meditation, in quiet moments when the spiral unwinds and the tension melts into a blue sky littered with shapes of dinosaurs in billowing cloud masterpieces; the secrets shouted at me amidst the chaos of streets saturated by cows, people and smells; these secrets crawled inside and rearranged the mental processes of my young mind. With no familiar surface to bounce off of, my mirror mirror on the wall reflected the same face, the same me, that I'd always seen, minus some hair on my head ;) And now, when a memory and a feeling from the past has manifested into flesh before my very eyes, my own reflection has changed. I notice now, the differences in myself, a million little things that have stealthily combined to create a different me. I struggle to match the frequency of my lover. Overwhelmingly frustrated at the conflict between heart and mind, between dreams and reality. I believe in love, in its power and beauty. I know that I am capable of expressing this well of love that resides deep inside. I feel its presence within me, so why is it so complex to express? Time and space, although illusory in nature, are powerful forces to contend with as well... as the continuum stretches over the boundaries of the heart. I'm struggling with the deepest parts of myself, with fears and embedded patterns, with eccentricities, dreams, disappointments, beautiful surprises, unknowns, parts known all too well... I'm not running away, but i'm not exactly running the other way either. I'm desperately trying to practice patience with myself, be gentle with my heart and fragile hearts of those around me. I'm trying not to let frustration take over, but to let things unfold naturally. Fragile and yet tough, always growing, expanding, learning, this process is timeless, no beginning and no ending, swirling, swirling, I should enjoy the swirl instead of struggling to swim against it... i feel a strong and deep resolution brewing inside, the end of yet another cycle, beginning, end, breath, been, being, be.

I Walk In Beauty

Idanha-a-Nova, Portugal

Monsanto, Portugal

Lilies, Idanha-a-Nova, Springtime

I walk in beauty.
Every syllable that dared
escape these lips,
filters through
this willing body,
some sweet as wine
others bitter with the
heavy taste of earth.
An invisible hand
gently placed
on shoulder
bare and
brushed
lightly by the grace
of sol.
I walk in beauty.
Following the texture
of ancient stones
caressing my feet,
every step
a future past
framed by
billowing clouds
to the East;
to the North
a hole where
rain breaks free
descending from blackness
bestowing the gift
of fertile color
upon the land
in vibrant greens,
a thousand shades,
teased by purple
yellow
white.
I walk in beauty.

(May 2008)

Honeysuckle

Honeysuckle

Megan & Joshua, Nov. 2007

Feral winds howl;
out with the old
and in with..
Listen -
wind whispers in
weathered ears,
bangs against
locked down shutters
and for once,
I can see the cobblestones
thru the squall.
I dive into seas as blue as…
I dive into skin as soft as…
Slipping, sliding
beneath velvet covers
of royal blue;
in dreams as deep
soft, seductive.
Seven squared,
technicolor kitty crash
bam, boom!
Wrap me up, tight
bury me
beneath your veins.
Let me crawl
unhindered thru
the medial
caverns of your body.
Maybe you wont notice
me, dancing gingerly
on the threshold
of your heart
(dental floss stitches
still fresh
and waxed poetic,
subtle flavour of mint);
in knee high boots &
fishnets to the thighs
laughing, always
laughing.
But will you
let me
gouge away?
will i?!?
Or will I run
if I catch my breath
in time,
fear fluttering against my eyelids,
black sharpie
misshapen stars
scrawled clumsily across my breast,
distracted by endless
honeysuckle daydreams,
chasing butterfly kisses
thru past lives,
future memories.
Cuckoo,
as the owl flies,
out of the dream,
awaking,
humbly accepting
our greatest gift -
freedom to love,
love of freedom;
surrendering
to unconditional love
deeper every day.

Kriya of Self

Khajaraho, India

Triund, Himachal Pradesh, India

I ran, blind and barefoot
into a nameless universe,
immobilized for a time
by the broken hearted shadow
of a star crossed lover -
fragile of heart and mind.
Bruises of black, blue, purple;
bleeding red
in murky rivers of life and death.
Wreckage of love’s excess,
desire’s appetite whet
the sour taste of disappointment
drip dripping off lips
kissed by inner tragedy.
Into the pitch, I ran.
So dark was the void
So deep was the pain,
trampled spirit aching
(unbeknownst to it)
to mouth the word,
tongue, lips, cheek & breath,
“forgiveness”.
The arms of a nameless universe
bent back,
its limbs contorting
Kriyas forming out of
misshapen extremities,
molding deformities into
delicately disgraceful sculptures
out of the Earth’s finest clay.
Upon grand shelves of soul
a thousand hopeful figures placed,
ten repentant fingers work
towards one image,
glimpsed in sunrise hues,
under spells of full moonlight;
heard in chant vibrations,
in the clamor of ancient bells,
felt in heart’s sacred temple,
in momentary flashes of remembrance,
one image of perfect Self.
Bruised & deformed
luminescent & hopeful.
Forgiven.

When All is Lost, Freedom Found

Letting Go, Varanasi, India

Along the ghats

Silent Boat Ride at Dawn

Starting Over... liberation.

Ganga Offerings

At home without a home
suddenly, I want to cry.
Footsteps etched in dirt & trash
sunlight dances across closed eyelids
keeping time with the silent rhythm of Earth.
Just breathe.
Breath in the belly,
Breath in the throat,
Breath in the mouth,
Strong, deep inhalations
meet tension in the hips,
restrained emotions
unnamed blockages.
The dreams and heartache
of countless yesterdays
rise & swirl in curious lungs.
Truth is the blanket
swept out from under restless feet.
Beauty is the crash
as I land
bewildered on my ass,
laughing,
because once again,
I know everything
and nothing
in an instant.
Wandering search for a freedom
I know exists;
I’ve tasted it -
in chaotic city streets,
a child’s smile,
in melodies of spice,
under desert rain,
as the sun rises over holy waters
in the throes of passion
in blissed out ecstatic dance,
and most of all
when everything familiar fades away.
Trust in Self,
Sweet, sweet surrender
the abundant universe
provides.
Let go,
let go,
let go.
When all is lost,
freedom found.

For my Sisters...

SoCal Sisterhood

Dollface!

Kfire & I, faery sisters by night

Catia, Amanda & I, sisters in crime and love!

Kitty + piglet = love

Sisters dancing on a rooftop after a magical fire show in Chennai, India

Circus sisters in Saris!


Lux & I, Love Parade 2007

Blindfolded on the way to our firewalk in Goa, India

I walk for you my Sisters.
I walk through burning coals,
with brave feet and tender heart,
confronting a Rage and Fear i cannot name.
I walk for injustice.
harassment.
violence.
I walk for the Mothers,
the sacrifices, the struggle.
I walk for the Daughters,
destinies claimed by vulture over ghettos.
I walk for the Grandmothers,
hands held out on dirty streets.
I walk for the Prostitutes,
trading sex for survival.
I walk for all the Sisters,
who have held terror close to their hearts,
whose screams have echoed unheard,
whose will was stripped away in dark corners,
whose pride and humility was lost in malicious laughter
I walk for you my Sisters.
I walk through burning coals,
with my head high and my heart open,
I walk in solidarity with you,
embracing you with each burning step,
releasing this Fear with empathetic tears,
feeding this Rage to a willing fire,
my prayers for you rising to the heavens with the smoke.
I walk for you my Sisters.