“Aphrodite
I call unto thee
Aphrodite
Come unto me.
You are serenity
A perfect wonder
You pull me under
I surrender.
You are clarity
Inner vision
Source of wisdom
I listen.”
~ Temple of Aphrodite, Opening Hymn
by Yeshe Rabbit
Aphrodite washed onto my shores, wrapped
up in roses and trailed by buzzing, sacred bees on Valentines Day 2014. I
participated in a ritual paying tribute to the many faces of Aphrodite and having
previously known her simply as the goddess of love and beauty, I was surprised
at how dynamic she was. Love and beauty take many forms, as does Aphrodite, who is at once ancient and youthful, a Goddess of love and war, of expansive time, justice, desire and divine pleasure.
Ritual priestesses in elaborate dress invoked her various aspects, dancing and
speaking her praises. We were invited to pull a tarot card from the Erotic
Feminine deck, and serendipitously, I pulled the lovers card. The card depicted
two naked, beautiful, curvy women in a sensual, loving embrace. I held the card
close to my heart, graciously accepting the challenge of fates and embarking on
a long journey to fulfill my soul's deepest need.
After many years of being single I
craved real intimacy, a deep romantic connection that stirred the depths of my
soul. I longed to be held close to another human, in a safe and nourishing
space that allowed me to let go and relax into love. Frustrated by ongoing
loneliness, I wondered if I would ever know the depth of my patience, trust, and
of faith in matters of the heart. Forever choosing the path of self-inquiry, I
dedicated myself to personal growth and exploration. I was not afraid to ask deep questions, to look into the eyes of my shadow self, to ask what work remained
undone before I could welcome this coveted partnership into my life. I had so
much love to give. How complicated could it be to find someone who wanted to
receive this love from me? Weren’t there so many people out there in the world
who so desperately want love? With so much to offer, what made this sharing so
elusive?
In my heart of hearts, I knew that
I could not pledge myself to Aphrodite for an entire year without bringing a
Great Love into my life, but this wasn’t my focus or my expectation. Guided by
the laughing queen, I turned instead to sensually exploring the world around and
within me, letting the intricate beauty of the present moment unfold before my
eyes. My senses felt heightened, my body alive as I opened my ears and my heart
to the wisdom of Aphrodite pouring through me. Sometimes it was an intense
emotion swelling within, sometimes a fleeting thought tickling the edges of my
mind, but often her instructions came through as a clear voice in my head. She
instructed me to build her an altar in my room. “Add more flowers,” she’d say. “No,
I don’t want any other deities placed here, this is my space,” she’d demand. “You
should wear brighter colors, longer dresses, flowers in your hair.” “Go
buy red lipstick. Not tomorrow, right now! A fiery bright orange hued red and
don’t save it only for special occasions.”
So I did what my beloved Goddess
asked of me. I kept her altar alive each morning with offerings of rose petals
and fresh flowers, of my deepest prayers, praises, gratitude and dreams. I
dressed myself through her lens. Aphrodite, my own personal fashion consultant,
challenged me to wear colors other than black. I began shopping for long
feminine skirts and dresses, flowery prints always in the softest fabrics
available. I bought red lipstick and wore it to the farmer’s market on a sunny Tuesday
afternoon with some tight jeans and a pair of boots. I remember feeling her magic
alive within me, like I held some secret between those red lips, some
delightful mystery that only she and I shared. It was impossible to wipe that
faint smile from my face.
My relationship with Aphrodite was
getting serious quickly. In my year long Priestess Apprenticeship, focused on
developing Sacred Leadership and ritual tools, part of our work involved exploring devotion
to deity. We had the opportunity to dedicate ourselves to one deity for the
duration of the year. Normally I would have gravitated toward the dark mother
Goddesses, the realm of shadow or the healing Goddesses, but Aphrodite extended
her delicate hand instead. I wrestled with my ego – struggling to justify
offering myself in service to love, beauty and divine pleasure for an entire
year. It felt like a selfish choice. Surely I should choose something that would
enable me give back to others, something that could catalyze real
transformation in my life and in my community. But her hand had already found
its way into mine and there was simply no other choice. She called out to me
like a siren of the sea, lovingly seeking my undivided attention with her enchanted song. Little did I
know that her sensual magic would become the fuel igniting the
work I do in this world.
In our April Priestess meeting, after
doing some visioning work, our assignment was to step into the middle of our
ritual circle and unleash an embodied invocation to our chosen deity, letting our
relationship be witnessed and celebrated by our fellow Priestesses
and by the deity itself. When it was my turn, I spoke from a place of desire anchored
deep within my belly, a fertile, hidden place not often touched. Jolts of energy shook
my body as I surrendered to her will to flow through me. The invocation was the alchemy of pure desire
into living poetry as I made my declaration to the Goddess of the sea:
Aphrodite, Goddess of
Love, Joy
Divine Pleasure, Beauty
I bow reverently at your feet
offer myself in service to you
adorn myself with beauty
my heart expanding with every breath.
I lay myself before you
ask humbly that you
fill every last cell of my body with joy
let beauty wash down upon me
let it tickle my skin
delight my senses
let it bathe me in inspiration
shower me with light.
Aphrodite, I call unto you,
awaken the parts of me that have
been afraid to know pleasure
in its most rewarding form,
the parts that have so patiently
awaited your presence.
Oh Aphrodite, Queen of Sensuality,
help me to find intimacy in
all my relations
in all my actions
in all my connections,
with myself and others.
Bless my days with your presence
so I may sensuously explore the world,
so I may know myself in all my aspects.
Aphrodite I devote myself to you,
I devote myself to reveling in
Joy, Beauty, Divine Pleasure, and Sensuality,
simply because I can,
because I must.
Open to serving,
open to receiving,
I bow to you, oh Queen Aphrodite,
I bow to Love.
Later that month with the invocation still vibrating through me, I was cruising down the I-5
interstate headed for Coachella Music Festival with one of my best friends. I
found myself attempting to explain this blossoming devotional relationship I
had entered into with Aphrodite. I fumbled over words while trying to capture
the essence of this mysterious work. What did it mean to be in such a deep
relationship with this Goddess? What was I opening myself up to, and how did my
personal relationship with Aphrodite carry over into my daily life? I was still
grappling with those questions myself and had no real answers to give. In jest,
my friend and I challenged each other to make out with three different people throughout
the festival. I entered the weekend feeling confident and daring, open to new
encounters and ready to harness some of Aphrodite’s sexy magic. Oddly enough, I found
very little flirtatious energy within me and the weekend passed without a single
kiss. A festival of over 100,000 people and not an ounce of desire to kiss any
of them, really Aphrodite?!
Perhaps it wasn’t so simple.
Although welcoming the Goddess into my life with loving, open arms was a great
start, maybe there were some fundamental shifts that needed to happen before I
was ready to accept love in my life. Even if you desire change in your
life, how do you initiate it? Change begins once you believe that it is
possible. It begins when you believe that you are not bound to the old stories
you carry around but are free to create a dynamic new path for yourself. However,
it felt important to me to acknowledge that my old stories arose out of my past
experiences and were not completely invalid, they had been crafted by my
sub-conscious in jumbled attempts to protect me from further trauma. In any case, the
beliefs about my ability to relate intimately with other people were no longer
protecting me, instead they had become my greatest obstacle to surrendering to
love.
"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it." ~ Rumi
Alchemy is the study and practice
of how one thing changes to another (Thanks to my teacher Ravyn Stanfield for
providing such a clear understanding of this concept). Calling upon my elemental
allies in the deep work of transformation, I participated in an alchemical Air
ritual with the intention of removing some long held, now outdated, beliefs
about myself. Air is associated with the tool of the blade, which served a dual
purpose for me: the point of the blade inspired precision and clarity about
what I wanted to remove and the edge contained the power to slice through my
attachments. In what I can only describe as a personal shamanic experience, I
held an actual athame (magical blade) in my hand while metaphorically slicing
open my chest so that I could reach in and surgically remove those limiting false
beliefs.
As precise as the tip of the blade, I found three specific things that
needed to be removed immediately:
- I am different/separate from
other people. To see myself as some kind of exemption to the rules allowed me
to dodge accountability for the role I played in my loneliness.
- Shame. Particularly shame about my body and the ways
that I have mistreated and disrespected it in the past. There was a lot of
sadness and inability to forgive myself for past disregard for my physical
health and wellness. Body shame was preventing me from opening up physically to
the kind of intimacy I craved.
- Asking for help is more
difficult than doing it on my own. Asking for help had become an admission that
something was wrong. I was afraid to be that vulnerable and to let people know
that I was not okay.
Even after clearly identifying what needed to be removed,
even with a metaphorical hole cut in the center of me, and even with my hand
grasping them, willingly removing these beliefs was incredibly painful and
difficult. My hands shook, I wept openly as I grieved for the stories that had
offered me protection for so long. I was reluctant to let go of what had become
comfortable for me. I had partly constructed my identity around these beliefs.
And yet, my desire for change was greater than my desire to hold on and I achingly
pulled these beliefs from my depths, offering them up to be carried away on the
wind. I carefully sewed up the hole once again and started getting acquainted
with the unfamiliar spaciousness within.
“And the
day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk
it took to blossom”~ Anaïs Nin.
Months later, Aphrodite and I
traveled across the ocean to Portugal, the land of my ancestors, to prepare for
the 2014 edition of Boom Festival, aptly themed “The Feminine.” Camped out by a
magical lake and surrounded by a global community of change makers, my heart
was feeling light and free. Aligned with my work with Aphrodite, I explored
what “The Feminine” meant to me as a co-creator of the festival experience. It
dawned on me that the medicine the Earth so desperately needs is closely linked
to what the archetypal Mother provides – fierce protection, healthy nourishment
and compassionate care. The women living at the Boom land decided to create a
Yin altar underneath a beautiful Oak tree, a sacred space dedicated to women’s
mysteries that would be open to festival attendees of all genders. On the Leo
new moon before the festival our team gathered in the darkness underneath the
tree to share personal, professional and planetary intentions for Boom
Festival. Communication, collaboration and compassionate support were a few of the shared intentions that surfaced. Shortly afterwards, I had a powerful dream and awoke with words that I had spoken in dream land resonating in my mind, “Something you should know about me is that I
have a very tender heart.” The words from my dream permeated my thoughts the
following day, reminding me of the power of vulnerability and of allowing
myself to be truly seen. I began to embrace my tenderness not as a weakness but
as strength, an indicator that I was a living, breathing human who had the
capacity to care for and empathize with other humans. Exploring my own
tenderness, especially while in a position of leadership felt especially
delicious as I opened up to the nurturing support and care of my team. I felt
Aphrodite’s warmth all around me, as if she were holding me in a sweet embrace.
As the summer started to heat up I developed
a crush on one of my co-workers and was receiving some confusing signals from
him. I genuinely couldn’t tell if he was interested in me or if he was just
being extra friendly. Instead of letting the crush go on, too afraid to show
that I was interested in him, I was bold and asked him directly how he felt. It
turns out that he saw me as a great friend and nothing more. Of course I was
hurt. I wondered what I had or hadn’t done to land in the “friend zone”. Back
in the comforting arms of my best friend, I cried and let myself feel hurt and
sad. Once my initial emotional outburst faded away, I contemplated my feelings
of rejection. Actually, I had no emotional attachment to this person. I was
feeling the pain of all the times in the past that I was rejected by someone I
was emotionally close to. Once I was able to separate the past from what was
happening in the present moment, I felt so free! I was excited to continue my
friendship with this person in a clear light and to leave space open for other
intimate relationships to arise. Another friend and co-worker welcomed me to
what he called “Rejection Therapy” - the practice of asking for what you want
and being okay with not receiving it. The practice made it less of a big deal
to take risks and be vulnerable about approaching potential romance.
"If you risk nothing, then you risk everything." ~ Geena Davis
One night after the festival I
found myself high up in a tree house sharing a bottle of wine and an inspiring
conversation with a beautiful, vibrant co-worker. There had been flirtatious
energy building between us all summer, but we’d both been distracted by long
days of work and didn’t have much free time to explore together. That night,
however, love was in the air and we became two open hearts meeting in a deeply
sweet and uplifting encounter. She was so sensual and generous with her touch,
playful and explorative with her whispered ramblings. My mind flashed back to
the beautiful women embracing on the Tarot card I’d pulled at the Aphrodite
ritual many months back. We had a sweet connection and yet I felt fragile
post-festival and unable to open up to her in the way my heart desired. I felt
the familiar signs of myself shutting down to her offerings of love and
affection. Even though I could clearly see and feel what was happening I couldn’t
access the tools to change it. When we parted ways I carried away a sinking
feeling of regret and sadness that I hadn’t been able to fully be present with
her.
Despite the ups and downs, it was
an extraordinary summer filled with opportunities for me to confront old
patterns and to integrate my personal spiritual practices with my professional
life. I was quicker to make new choices when confronted by outdated stories I told myself. This self-awareness
was partially enabled by my commitment to physical and emotional self-care
throughout this exploration. By creating the time and space to care for my
health, I gifted myself the clarity of vision and strength of willpower to catalyze
changes in my behavior. Staying committed to my yoga practice, healthy eating habits, moderation in substance use, and setting boundaries for myself around work were some of the helpful tools I put into practice. I felt Aphrodite at my side, supporting me along the path and reminding me that my body is a Temple worthy of utmost respect.
It is really difficult to see
progress when you are in the thick of it. As a fiery Leo, I can be really
impatient – once I decide that I want to change something, I get frustrated if
I don’t see results immediately. I had been working with Aphrodite for almost 8
months at that point and didn’t feel that I’d made any significant changes in
my inter-personal relationship dynamics. To put it simply, I was single and
lonely and beginning to wonder what the point of all this Aphrodite devotion
was. In my September Priestess group I had the opportunity to aspect (channel) Aphrodite,
to open myself up and let her speak, see and hear through me. It was my first
time aspecting and I was surprised at how clear the messages I received from
her were. Aphrodite knew exactly what she wanted. She asked to lie her down on
the floor and be adorned with flower petals from the altar. She picked up
individual petals and admired the perfection in their imperfection, marveling
at the beauty even in the wilted petals. She picked up tiny buds, rolled them
through her fingers reveling in the pure potential they held. She spoke of the
need for more love stories in this world (and here I am writing one for her at
this very moment). Time seemed to slow down as I moved and breathed with
Aphrodite’s senses, wondrously exploring the sights and sounds around me. She
spoke of our relationship with time, and how we need to slow down so that we
can witness the beauty and joy that exists in our daily lives. She spoke of the
delicious anticipation and mystery of the future and the importance of savoring
it, being fully awake to its power. “Slow down and savor the feeling of not
knowing, of unknown possibilities, of pure potential and mystery,” her words
spilled from my lips.
After such an embodied and intimate
experience with Aphrodite, I felt my devotional relationship with her deepen
and begin to integrate itself into my daily life. I was still receiving very
specific assignments from her, but more than that I was beginning to see through her eyes
more and more in my day-to-day activities. Luckily after returning from Europe
I gave myself a very generous length of time for re-integration and recovery
before diving into another project. Guided by the elegant Goddess of the sea, I
dove into water therapy of all kinds. I
rode my bike to the edge of the bay, sitting on sunny benches and singing songs
to the water as loudly as I could. I let my tears become humble offerings,
asking the water to help me hold all the stories I carry. I took luxurious
baths in the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday, soaking in Epsom salts and
rose essential oils. I visited wild rivers, soaked in natural hot springs,
frequented urban bathhouses, dreamt of opening a mermaid spa, let Aphrodite’s
loving waves crash against me, caress my skin, bathe my heart – all in the
practice of gentle and sweet surrender to the flow of life.
One night I awoke from an intense
dream with the sensation of my whole body sobbing. I dreamt that I was physically
immobilized, something prevented me from moving but I didn’t know what it was.
Two faceless guardians were trying to help me and I could feel their compassion
and nourishing energy all around me. One of them held my head gently in their
hands while the other took a pitcher of water and slowly, steadily poured
it over my head. The water washed over my third eye, slid across my forehead,
over my scalp and crown of my head. The sensation of warm water dripping across my
head was nothing short of ecstatic. It felt like the desert floor drinking up
rain after a long dry year, like all the cells of my body being nourished as
though they had received the very thing they’d desired for so long. I felt full
of its medicine, grace and ecstasy. I sobbed with Joy, eventually rousing
myself from sleep. In that moment I felt that love was possible for me and I knew beyond a
doubt that I was finally ready to receive the love and intimacy I had been
praying for.
"Opportunity dances with those on the dance floor." ~ Anonymous
It was around this time that I was
introduced to a charming and smart man by a mutual friend. We both must have
felt that spark because soon after our initial encounter we went on our first
date. I remember my heart just about leaping out of my chest when I walked in
the door and saw him sitting there waiting for me. Our conversation was easy and flowing and
there was a strong physical attraction between us. We had several more dates but something felt off. He was wonderful person, but not “Available” in the way that I hoped. I
felt myself falling into old patterns of letting his unavailability make him seem
all the more desirable. I tried to keep my schedule open in case he wanted to
hang out and then would end up with no plans and way too much time to think. Sometimes
there is a large gap between potential and current reality. My intuition screamed
at me to walk away and yet I couldn’t let go
even though I knew it was an unhealthy dynamic for me. It was the first time
I’d felt hopeful about romance in a long while and I wasn’t ready to give it
up.
Intuitively though, I knew that something more extraordinary was out there for me, a mutual “Fuck Yes” just waiting for the right opportunity to reveal itself. Aphrodite must have agreed
because a few short weeks later she delivered an incredible treasure to
my doorstep. Immediately I felt a sense of comfort and ease around him, as if we'd met many times before. Our fist kiss was the kind that stops time, everything
else but two pairs of lips disappearing, the kind that leaves you walking away
dizzy and breathless, wondering what just happened. Here was an intelligent,
kind hearted man who was willing to be present with me, laugh and explore with
me and who was curious to know me in all my intricate layers. For awhile I
hesitated, something inside me still wanting to cling to old stories, to the
promise lying dormant in potential. It was as
if the Universe was asking me to consciously choose between the old
disappointing love story of the past and a path toward fulfilling romance and
intimacy. I chose to surrender, to let love into my
heart, to see and be seen, to be held so gently and compassionately that my
last remaining defenses washed away leaving me vulnerable - and head over heels
in love.
Staying true to Aphrodite, I savor
every delicious moment spent with him. I look into his eyes and honor his
generous spirit, his humble heart and inquisitive mind, seeing him with such clarity
it fills my whole body with wonder and delight. I offer him my best Self,
holding nothing back because he deserves every single drop of this loving
nectar. I cherish the moments when our layers peel back, when we sit face-to-face,
heart to heart and dream together. I wish to be a shining light in his life,
inspiring him to always follow his dreams, and a source of strength for him to
draw upon in challenging times. Revealing my tender heart, relaxing into his
arms, I let the magic we share lift me up. Not a day goes by that I
don’t give gratitude to Aphrodite for the wisdom and guidance she offers me.
Every morning I sit next to my altar and pray with her, allowing the
overflowing contents of my heart to spill out of my lips. With absolute awe for
the miracle of this unfolding connection, I choose again and again to embrace my sensuality, taking the time to look deeper, to listen more closely, to
explore dreams, to wander in forests, to notice the small wonders hidden all
around me, to hold hands with my lover and get lost in his kiss. Like waves
crashing on the shore, I return over and over again to my Lady love. Her loving
wisdom became the medicine I so desperately needed in my life, a healing tonic
wrapping my lover and I in an enchanted dance, transforming us into mirrors
with which to glimpse the depth of our souls.
After an entire year of devotion to
Aphrodite, to divine beauty, love and sensuality - I’m not ready to let her go.
She lives within me now, in the love I choose to nourish in this world. She
lives within my curiosity and hunger for life, within my dreams and deepest
desires. She’s alive within my dedication to compassionate self-care. She
lives in my open heart, in my vulnerability and my shadow. I honor her by the
shores of the sea, water splashing over my feet. I honor her with belly laughs tangled
in the sheets and limbs of my lover in the half-sleep darkness of dawn. I honor
her with my Presence, as I learn how to trust and open myself as a conduit of
divine love. I find her in every uncertain moment, playfully reminding me of
the delicious mystery of the unknown, bringing me back to the beauty and grace wrapped up in each moment, to the joy radiating from my own heart. Aphrodite of the sea,
baptizing me into an ocean of gratitude that knows no limit, opening me up to a spacious place where time expands and what is nourished, blossoms.
